The Biggest Challenge for ‘Secret’ Cross-Dressers

secret cross dressers Swanky Pins have a large percentage of buyers who are male wearers, many of which keep their CD activities a secret from their wives/girlfriends/family and who want to buy lingerie discreetly.

I personally take a lot of calls from guys who buy lingerie for themselves, far more male customers contact by telephone than women as they seem to like to talk about their cross-dressing as well as ask advice about sizing ect. Most callers are married, with children/grand-children and have been keeping their secret for years – it seems the majority would clearly like to be a bit more ‘open’ but have no-one they can really talk to so it can often be a lonely experience.

Apparently, the biggest problems cross-dressers face are: how to choose the right size for the male figure (which we have covered in a separate post – Suspender Belts for Men), how to pay without leaving ‘evidence’, and where to have it discreetly delivered.

Shining a Light on Ordering & Delivery

There are very few high street shops where men can buy lingerie for themselves without feeling, or being made to feel, more than a little awkward. However, ordering online can also present difficulties as many CD’s don’t want to take the chance of wives seeing the purchases on their bank or credit card statements, or having lingerie delivered to the house or office.

We have had many ‘cash on collection’ male wearing customers over the past few years, some driving over a 4 hour round trip to collect their lingerie and pay in cash, so the purpose of this post is to try and get some feedback in order to devise a solution that our cross-dresser customers who are not local enough to do this would be happy with.

Customers have asked to send cash through the post which is okay with us but far from ideal for the buyer as if it gets lost we cannot take responsibility for the loss.

We are hoping to sign a deal with a click and collect service which will be available soon which would solve the issue of discreet deliveries (provided there is an outlet locally), but we are still left with issues regarding payment for those who don’t want to leave a paper trail.

If anyone has any ideas about this, please do let us know.

Why do men Cross-Dress?

lingerie for cross dressersBecause of the prejudice that exists around crossdressing, most people don’t have any first hand experience so assume that men cross dress for sexual pleasure, but in many cases it is just that cross-dressers feel comfortable rather than sexually aroused when they wear the clothing of the other sex.

There are of course those that dress up in women’s lingerie for sexual purposes although most are heterosexual, not gay or perverted. The inclination to crossdress is not something most men have control over, it is a just a component of their full identity that has probably been with them from a very young age.

Keeping secrets like this from their partners can be difficult and in itself stressful as most of us want to be accepted for who we are, not judged by what we choose to wear.

Take the example used on British soap Eastenders where undertaker Les Coker hid his cross-dressing alter-ego ‘Christine’ from wife Pam for many years and when it did come out she was horrified. Les attempted to explain it by saying ‘You know how stressed I get,’ I’m surrounded by grief all day. It gets to me. Sometimes I need not to be a man.’

Men like this don’t try to ‘pass’ as women, and just dress up to enjoy feeling feminine, removing the pressures of having to be the strong, competitive, assertive male and is far more common than most of us think.

The feelings of needing to cross-dress at certain times can be strong and compelling and many men do it without really knowing why.

We find the most popular lingerie styles for men are suspender belts (deep styles as these stay put on the waist better than the flimsy 4 strap ‘fashion’ belts), pantyhose/tights and stockings with corselettes/slips a close second, but purchases have also included girdles, waspies, bodystockings and even fishnet dresses. Style seems to have a lot to do with whether the wearer is a fetish and non-fetish crossdresser.

If any of you men would like to have their photos added to this article, please email us your images and we will be happy to include them.

Banish Cross-Dressing prejudice – understanding is a far healthier emotion than disgust, horror or shame.

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Comments (28)

    Thank you sooooo much for posting this article! I am a crossdresser myself from “across the pond”, over here in the United States. It wasn’t until late October of last year that I finally admitted to & accepted the fact that yes, I am indeed a CD. It’s something that has been a part of me since I was very young, and I carried that secretive burden for almost 35 years, out of fear that I would be rejected by friends and family alike for my womanly ways.

    My wife now officially knows of my secret, which first started as an argument over why I spent $70-something on eBay for what I thought was a gorgeous turtleneck sweater dress (it’s mini-dress length, with a humongous 22″ collar….the longer the collar, the better!). She was initially hurt that I didn’t just come to her about it, but this is something that’s a major part of me & not everyone welcomes it with open arms. Since then though, she has given me various clothes — mostly bras and panties — and my stepdaughter has contributed also. My sister-in-law added to it by giving me my very first pair of heeled booties, a purse, and some other goodies and right now there’s a fight over as to who is going to give me my first makeup makeover!

    So yeah, I’m definitely loving life as a CD, but most importantly I’m finally happy & comfortable in my skin for the first time ever. Like, wearing women’s clothing feels so right to me, and I have no intentions of actually ‘passing’ as a female…although I am curious how I’d look completely made over and such.

    Thanks again for this blog! And I love the website, by the way!!

    Reply

      Hi Sean, Thank you for your comments and for sending us your photographs, 2 of which I have included here. I am glad to hear you are now able to live as you want to and it would be great if other guys with a similar story could happily follow your example. We hear of many men going through to old age without ever being able to tell anyone about their cross-dressing, which I think is really sad, must be quite a burden. Debbie

      Cross dressers wearing pantyhose / TightsMen in tights

      Reply

        It really is a burden in not telling anyone, Debbie. I grew up in a time when men were men and women were women, and to hear of a guy dressing or wanting to dress in women’s clothing was automatically considered wrong or of homosexual behavior….even though sex and gender are two totally different things. I’m very much a heterosexual person but have just always wanted to crossdress, because the look and feel of female clothing always appealed to me — it just feels right, if that makes any sense. Even just wearing something simple like panties or tights underneath my work clothes, I much prefer to wear that instead of boxers.

        Once I told my wife about my crossdressing tastes, it was as if the most enormous weight had been lifted. I could fully breathe again & not feel ashamed and afraid anymore of who I really am. And thanks for showing those two pictures, by the way…I never realized just how great my legs look!

        (…and yes, I still have those thigh-high striped socks…)

        Reply

    An excellent article. Men cross dress for as many reasons as women do and the appeal of lingerie is something stronger than that of the dull undies bestowed on men.
    I know I prefer something soft around my bits and many guys do. You can’t make a y front of boxer sexy.
    Stockings and pantyhose have a similar appeal but also a supporting roll.
    Compression pantyhose are light enough to give everyday support and give tired legs relief. I have mine on now from my walk and wear them on long distance flights and wore them often when I work. The hosiery industry and fashion industry forget men have legs as well and it’s only fair. They are always hidden under ugly trousers.
    Another service you could offer is bra fittings. Why you ask?
    Gynecomastia or man boobs. Guys have them and are then embarrassed to seek out help to find proper supporting garments. But for that matter, many women also fail this.

    Reply

      Hi Steve,
      I totally agree with your comments, women’s lingerie looks and feels much nicer than mens and I’m sure silky satin and lace is much more comfortable and sensual to wear against the skin – mens boxers don’t even come close. I read a very relevant comment recently that said ‘I say its comfort dressing not cross dressing’.

      If we were a ‘bricks & mortar’ shop (maybe in the future:), we would definitely offer bra fitting for both men and women, although I don’t know how many British men would walk in and request one. Perhaps Aussie men are bit more relaxed about things like that. Many women I know have never had a proper bra fitting yet we all know it is important to get one for a perfect fit. Unfortunately as on online only shop, it’s not possible to offer the service right now.

      Our motto: If you like it – wear it!

      Reply

    Really enjoyed reading your blog.
    I wear panties and camisoles daily, and sometimes matching bralette.
    Panties provide superior comfort, male underwear does not .

    Good to see other people embrace the same thinking.

    Reply

    I am the girlfriend of a cross dresser. I initially met him openly knowing he wore lingerie. We have been together for just over a year. I have fostered his femininity and love this lifestyle he and I have. It is based on such honesty that at my age of 48 has been the best relationship I have ever encountered. He now has someone to share it with and not hide who he is. He trusts me because I am the keeper of a secret that has been hidden from the world since he was a young boy. It has been so fulfilling to give him this gift of acceptance. I’ve never met a more beautiful soul in or out of sexy lingerie 🙂

    Reply

    Hi im a male and i love wearing bodystockings , tights , i look good in them

    Reply

    Thank you so much! Ive searched for so long to find any kind of site that would allow me to share not only my pics but also the fact that i crossdress. I was with my girlfriend ( of 11 years) 3 years before i even started crossdressing. It took 6 years for me to find a way to tell her. Awkward at first. Accused of being gay. But now we buy underwear together. She knows i wear lingerie, like bustiers, stockings, garters, bodystockings, but i she acts like thats a little too fiminine so i still wear them in privat.
    RP cross-dressingreaders photos of cross dressing

    Reply

    how do you cross dress with your wife

    Reply

    I love wearing lingerie as it feels nice and makes me feel comfortable in myself and sexy.
    Tho I still have hangups as I hide it from everyone , I only wish it could be more open and accepted. But I grew up in a world where it wasn’t.
    I’d send a pic but don’t know how.

    Reply

      Hi JB,

      I you would like to send us a photo, email it to debbie@swankypins.co.uk and we’ll put it up. Debbie

      Reply

    In my youth used to be a lead singer in a band, used to do the university circuit and warm-up support sessions for the more popular groups and solo artists. Then having discovered business opportunities I left music behind. More recently I’ve got back into singing which has led me into burlesque which is a blast, I get to wear sexy outfits, great lingerie and work with wonderful co-performers.

    I have placed a number of orders from this site even when I’ve thought no I should not by anything more, but my girly desires won out and I kept going back to the website for more. I’ve worn each purchase out and been complimented by both ladies and guys alike.

    These photos were taken at 3:40AM after a huge party when I was not at my best. I’m wearing my Swanky Pins 6 strap boned waspie with sheer mesh vintage style robe which I am very happy with. Corrine Driscoll (my performer name).


    Reply

    We want to thank the lovely Corrine Driscoll for her support, purchases and the lovely reviews she has left on each product she has bought from us. Debbie

    Reply

    Have been a cd for years but have never found a friend that I could talk about my kink. It makes things lonely.
    Wearing feminine lingerie or indeed going whole hog in dress and stockings feels soooo good.
    Its not mainly sexual, more the lingerie fits so comfortably, and feels so good against my skin ( I am blessed with having a virtually hairless smooth body. Nair takes care of the pubic area.)
    Of course there is also the “naughty ” secret aspect of being a cd. Love it.

    Reply

      Hi Bill Same situation here. The whole “dressing” experience is a great rush so when I get the opportunity to slip into heels and a baby doll with nice stockings it’s an amazing way to relax.
      Regards
      John

      Reply

    Loved reading your blog. I’ve been crossdressing for years loving my high heels,stockings and suspenders, your site is wonderful I adore everything I see,hope you ship to Australia!

    Like most CDs I’d need some sizing advice on those fabulous girdles and bras thank you for a fabulous blog.
    Regards
    Nina/John
    Sydney

    Reply

      Hi Nina/John, Great to hear you like our website & products and yes we do ship to Australia. Debbie

      Reply

        Thanks! Love your Instagram page too.
        Nina

        Reply

    Society for many many years has labeled certain articles of clothing for males and for females. To me personally various articles of chothing should never be labled for women for males. If a male or a women sees the benefits that of a girdle bra hose skirt it really doesn’t matter and clothing should never be labeled, there are real benefits of being girdled or in bra hose skirt etc, and it really doesn’t matter your sex.

    Back during the 40s, 50s, 60s and into the 70s and 80s women were always dressed in skirts, times have changed and women started to wear what was labeled as for men only pants. Nowadays when you go out you see women in pants. That again is a societal thing labeling clothing which society really shouldn’t do. If you are a woman and you happen to like pants wear pants, if you say you are a man and you happen to like skirts wear skirts – it really shouldn’t matter and articles of clothing should never be labeled.

    Reply

    Imagine telling a female she couldn’t wear something that’s considered masculine???? You’d be crucified! (Mysogynist, sexist, Pervert, etc)
    However, Society deems it ok to dictate what men can’t wear and that men who wear lingerie are “weirdos”

    Luckily when my wife found out about me she was shocked but largely understanding. It’s such a shame that men have to hide their lingerie andthat it could lead to the breakdown of a family especially when you consider it’s just clothing… literally just under wear. stupid or what?

    I explained to my wife I had no interest in wearing until she suggested it and I tried it in secret as I was too nervous to do it with her watching in case she thought less of me as a man and that when I did, I discovered that I found it liberating, relaxing and sexy!

    I just discovered this site through a post on Quora from Debs and due to her mature attitude can expect orders from me in future.

    signed Pete a straight married manly man

    PS Since giving up on societies expectations of me, my wife and I are now closer than ever and spend more quality time together including doing stuff that “men” shouldn’t do.

    Reply

    I’ve now been crossdressing for 26 years (current age-30). My crossdressing experience I had was with my mother, I have 3 sister’s and all my mother wanted was all girls or 2 boys and 2 girls. Ever since I was able to do laundry by myself, I took the cutest panties and pantyhose after I was done drying them, that’s when my mind was made up, to become a crossdresser.

    Since then my friends knew that I was wearing something feminine but can’t never prove it, my cousin also say I’m gay, this, that and the third, which I use to get mad at him. When I was 27 years old I started to buy, not just panties and pantyhose only, I went into dresses and skirts, then makeup, which I had noticed that I didn’t feel right like something was missing, I put my head down, after looking at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t figure out what was missing, I bowed my head down in disappointment at myself and then it dawn on me, I wasn’t wearing women’s shoes of any kind, so I got into buying women’s heels, ballet flats, flat sandals, wedges and sneakers, I wear more flats, wedges and heels then sneakers. Just like every woman they have one thing in common and that’s what they continue to buy, like your motto: “if you like it, wear it,” and that’s exactly what I do, I buy shoes to go with outfits and in the same time I’m looking for other shoes that I can put a quick outfit together and that’s it, when women goes shopping they buy things that they will never wear a dress they just give away.

    When I had turn 30 (today Jan 5th, 2019, I said you know what? keeping secrets from my friends wasn’t a healthy friendship then I had the “fuck its” meaning I didn’t care who saw me dressed as a woman (which if I put makeup on while taking my time, I could pass as a woman.”

    My niece comes to me for ideal outfits to match, my niece’s girlfriend had asked for tips and advice from my opinion and point of view. Now I have a lovely young lady that I took under my wing telling her buy it, if it’s pants make sure you have white, blue, burgundy and black, just one pair, before you walk out the door and get home and feels like you don’t match, make a matching set before any purchases so you can see for yourself if you match. Try with the shoes that you chose see from head to toe if it matches. She went on about makeup, I told her if you’re not sure about what color your couture and foundation should be there’s no shame in any game to keep your natural skin color, eyeshadow you can go a little off the wall (like if you have pink on keep it pink bit different shades) but keep in the color range of what you are wearing. You dont want to over power other colors, they supposedly support the colors on your clothing and makeup.

    For 30 years I’ve been a bigger sister and I would like to be remembered I’m the crossdresser that said F@#$ it and went out looking like a woman and my female friends and family (except one) accepted me and treats me as one of the ladies/girls. The best part is that I can choose to keep my manly parts with no gender surgery, I wear women’s clothing comfortable 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. My aunt is against my decision (she think I just started to crossdresser and she is highly against it, told her the samething F@#$ it/you). So far she’s not completely against her policy, but when you die, I will still have the final say in my life and I have to live with the decisions that I decided to do with my life and body (clothing). So she knows I wear jewelry, she knows about the makeup, but don’t know that I’m also bisexual (won’t tell her that).

    I’m Thomas and to most people (that wouldn’t be a judgemental jerks) I’m named Samantha, and some family and friends do called me by that name. I’ve been looking for a place, “blog” to express my experiences with the general public, that wearing something materialistic doesn’t consider that you’re gay and people that are calling men gay is wrong and they should be gay. I have straight men asking me for a one night stand…… Nope, sorry I’m not a hooker, slut, a whore that can be taken lightly and I don’t like to repeat myself (only one word that’s does describe me) if I do that’s when the bitch (worse than a woman on their personal monthly thing) comes out.

    People like thinking sideways or up and down tryna figure you out and cant, I’ll make this really easy and simple, if you see a guy dressed in women’s clothing, do you still say hi sir or ma’am? To the crossdresser he might think you insulted him by calling him sir after you saw what he or she is wearing. I go a speeding ticket and the question he asked me how do I identify myself? What? What type of question is that? I said officer what do you see that I’m wearing, he said women’s clothing. I turned back around to avoid putting chi g him in the face for asking such a dumba#$ question like I identify myself. Simple way I answered him saying you see women’s clothing right that means you address them according to the clothing on their backs, if they have men’s clothing I think you address them as sir. Cops dum because the powder off those poisoned donuts, lmfao.

    Thomas cross-dressing as Samantha

    First picture is how I was dressed and deciding which shoes to go with, second picture was from one the girls taking it and the last one is a picture of my legs in the shoes I chose to wear to hangout with the girls, they didn’t a man (any man) that has a sense of fashion until now, that was one of the questions they asked they asked what size pants am I and told them I lost weight cause I lost a size went from size 5 to size 4, and yes you can say I’m trying to portray as a female, but not really, I just look younger than my real age.

    Your Partner In Helping Others In Need,
    Thomas Rivera (Prefer to be called) Samantha S. Rivera

    Reply

    What a great summary.
    I read your post on Quora, and had to have a look at your site.
    Reading all this, has made me realise that i am not weird, or alone.
    I love to wear stockings, suspenders, and panties. For me , its a sensual, liberating feelin.
    At 49, divorced, why not do what i enjoy doing?
    Next on my shopping list is a basque, or waspie. Long may my “wearing” continue.
    Mark

    Reply

      Hi Mark and thank you for your comments. Well you’re not weird and as approximately 40% of our customers are male wearers you certainly not alone. We believe this is because the deeper retro style girdles and suspender belts that we sell are more suited to male figures than the flimsier ‘modern’ styles which tend to slip down over their hips.

      Reply

      Like Mark, I love wearing my high waste open crotch pantyhose and stockings with one of my Waspie’s or one of the other clothing items like this I have. Also wearing thong underwear made for males. The comfort of having my parts cradled in a soft pouch that I can feel swinging around while walking around is great especially since the other way they are scrunched. I believe that I have a serious stocking and garter fetish. The more garters, the better. This extends into my self pleasuring too. My body shape wont allow for a garter belt so I started looking at Shapeware and Girdles with attached garters for my stockings. I have about 8 of these including 2 of the waspie’s sold here. In fact, I am ordering another one today. I also love my “shapeware” items and figure it is just part of my fetish. I put them on when I get up in the morning and take them off when I take my evening shower before bed. My legs feel great under my blue jeans and the waspie is a constant reminder that everything is there. Now I’m looking at Corsets as well. Using the “clip on” garter straps, I will still be able to wear my stockings. Corsets are even being designed and made for the male body shape. Since I bought these for me, they aren’t woman’s clothing. I’m 61, a respected Aerospace machinist, married and have 3 grown children. Nobody knows anything about what I have on under my clothing. Family, friend or coworkers. One coworker, standing behind me yesterday, asked me how my back was feeling these days since I was having trouble a few weeks ago. When I started to reply, I remembered that the waspie can be seen when my shirt gets pulled tight. Figure he saw it and thought it a back brace. I don’t feel or think I’m weird or anything like that. I just like wearing these clothing items. The secret part is great too.

      Reply

    We received the following message from a customer today and asked permissions to publish it here as contrary to most of the previous posts, he does cross-dress mainly for sexual pleasure, has no wife or girlfriend and has made the conscious decision to exclude women from his life because of his ‘obsession’ with lingerie. A very different story from the majority of other replies, we thought it may be of interest to readers.

    “Hi Debbie,

    I’ve just bought two lovely suspender belts from your shop, they were delivered to me today. Thank you for an extremely speedy delivery.

    I have already tried both suspender belts. They fit perfectly, like a second skin around my waist and my hips. Thank you for your size guiding in your ad, it was most helpful. (Otherwise sizes may be hazardous; a size Large in one brand is not the same as a Large in another brand.)

    Cross-dresser man wearing a suspender belt, from SwedenYou may be surprised to learn that I’m a man and I will use your suspender belts all by myself. Yes, I’m a crossdresser. I love to dress in women’s clothes, particularly in female lingerie. However, it’s not a question of fetishism. It’s a lot more than that. I’m totally obsessed by lingerie. I’ve been obsessed by lingerie in all my life. I started to play with my mother’s lingerie at the age of 12. And at 13 I also started to dress in her lingerie. I still remember that magic day when I put on her lingerie for the first time. To feel a bra around my chest, to feel a suspender belt around my hips, to feel a pair of sheer nylon stockings embrace my legs and to feel my erect cock tighten against the soft cloth of her nylon panties. Well, that was simply breathtaking. That experience became decisive for my future life. Ever since that day I’ve always been dressed in lingerie. Without any exaggeration I can clearly say that I’ve been dressed in female lingerie every day of my life since that first day. At least for a couple of hours each day. But sometimes even all day long. Today I’m an elderly man, being retired since four years ago. And ever since my retirement I’ve been a full-time crossdresser, constantly dressed in lingerie. A 24/7 crossdresser, even at night, I sleep in lingerie and a nylon nightgown.

    I consider myself to be a crossdresser, not a transvestite. I have no desire to “become” a woman. To dress fully as a woman or to be apprehended as a woman by others. Sometimes I can dress in a skirt and a blouse, but most of the time I just dress in lingerie. And I never use a wig, never wear any make-up, never any female jewellery. Just lingerie, that’s enough for me.

    To me, crossdressing is a sexual thing. I crossdress for having a sexual experience. To me, there is a strong connection between crossdressing and sexual pleasure. Consider this, I have never in my life experienced any sexual pleasure without being dressed in lingerie. So lingerie is an urgent necessity for me to achieve sexual pleasure. No lingerie – no pleasure. It’s as simple as that.

    You may now wonder how this obsession goes with a relation to a woman. To a wife, to a girlfriend. Well, it doesn’t. Few women can stand a man in female lingerie. So I have decided to exclude women from my life. So I have done without a wife and a girlfriend. I’ve never been married, never been living with a woman, never had a girlfriend, not even a temporary one. I’ve been living alone all my life. Mostly to please myself sexually. By masturbation, by stroking my body with nylon lingerie and by using various “masturbation devices”.

    But what about women? Have I never had sex with a woman? Sure, I have. But which kind of women will have sex with a perverted crossdresser in lingerie? Well, you know the answer. A prostitute. So I have turned to prostitutes. Many times. Numerous times. Still today I meet with my prostitute “girlfriends” once or twice a month. And they accept me in my lingerie.

    So, dear Debbie, you asked for a feedback. I hope that this feedback hasn’t upset you or shocked you. That has not been my intention. I just want to bring you my immediate reactions from having your lovely suspender belts. And again, I’m more than pleased with them. (“Pleased” in more than one way. I’ve been dressed in your golden suspender belt while writing this letter.

    I will look out for other objects in your lingerie shop Swanky Pins. One of the suspender belts I bought from you was a White 8 Strap Suspender Belt in Satin with White Lace Front

    With my best regards
    Ulf Ekengren
    Stockholm, Sweden

    Reply

    People like thinking sideways or up and down trying to figure you out and cant, so I’ll make this really easy and simple. If you see a guy dressed in women’s clothing, do you still say hi sir or ma’am? To the cross-dresser, he might think you insulted him by calling him Sir after you saw what he or she is wearing. I got a speeding ticket and the question he asked me was how do I identify myself? What? What type of question is that? I said officer what do you see that I am wearing, he replied ‘women’s clothing’. I turned back around to avoid putting chinning him in the face for asking such a dumba#$ question like how do I identify myself. The simplest way I could answer him was by saying ‘you see women’s clothing right? That means you address them according to the clothing on their backs, if they have men s clothing I think you address them as sir’. Cops are dumb because the powder off those poisoned donuts lmfao.

    Reply

    hi everyone im Paul (paula). been crossdressing since the age of 10 It started with my mums underwear and progressed from there.I prefer to be called a transvestite.when im dressed its not all about sex its the feel of feminine attire undies and clothes.It so relaxing.i allso like to meet and have some naughty fun with othertv/xd. why oh why cant we wear what we want and not be abused or ridiculed.It was great to read all the articles from others like myself.So you all take care.and that goes for you as well Debbie

    Reply

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